Learning How to Forgive

Many people are held up in their spiritual and relationship growth because they are still holding on to something from their past that they just can't seem to let go of. Someone has said something to them or hurt them in someway that caused pain and anger and although they have tried to forgive that person, they still hold on to bitter feelings, anger, and resentment. In the book Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti, there is a section about how to forgive and not let the past control your present life and relationship with your spouse and God. It gives you six statements or steps to follow to pattern your forgiveness in a practical way to help you work out the situation. They are:

1) I forgive (name of person) for (name of offense). This specifically names the offense and person who caused this offense so we can focus directly on that problem. Do not be vague about this.

2) I admit that what happened was wrong. It is not an admission of guilt for what we have done (unless we are trying to forgive ourselves), it is just an honest, non critical, confession that something wrong has happened. If nothing wrong has happened then there is nothing to forgive.

3) I do not expect (name the person) to make up for what he or she has done. A courageous statement of reality. No one can make up completely for the mistakes they have made. The pain will still be there. The memory will still linger. There is nothing you or the offender can do to "undo" it. You must forgive, offer repentance and try to start over.

4) I will use the offense to define who (name the person) is. When you define others by the things they have done wrong, it encourages a process of decay in your relationship with them. But if you define them as a person with a problem, or a person who has made a mistake, then you can define them as an "adopted child of God" who is in need of God's forgiveness. Rather than think negative about your offender, pray for them and turn them over to God.

5) I will not manipulate (name the person) with this offense. If you continue or try to emotionally blackmail the other person by bringing up the offense in an attempt to control their behavior, for positive, or negative, gain, then you are still letting the offense control your life. You are not fully enjoying the freedom of forgiveness and looking forward to the life ahead of you. Lucky for us Jesus does not constantly bring up our sins, He died for, to try to manipulate us.

6) I will not allow what has happened to stop my personal growth. This is very important. We too often allow the sinful offenses of others to dictate the course of our life. We become emotionally committed to behaviors that make us prone to depression, anger and resentment. Forgiveness allows us freedom to grow in our relationships. It releases the anchors that have been dragging us down. When we truly forgive we can love freely with nothing holding us back.

For more information go to: Farrel Communications and order a copy of the book.