As I Sit Here

As I sit here and type this post, many things are running through my head. I wonder if I am a real man. My wife works 4 different jobs, while I am just substitute teaching. I know I will get a job teaching full-time next school year, but what do I do in the meantime? I will take over for a teacher who will go on maternity leave in March. I will teach her classes until the end of May. What about the summer? I don't feel I am supporting my family at all. My wife is working so much that she barely has one weekend a month to spend with her family. I try to keep busy around the house when I am not subbing (cleaning, laundry, some yard work), but that is not enough. It seems the more we try to get ahead, by paying off debts or get some things fixed around the house, the more we are getting behind. Right now I wonder if the family would be better off without me. It seems I am the one causing most of our family problems right now. I didn't ask to be laid off from my last full-time job. I didn't cut the budget that cost me my job. Yet, I feel responsible. I didn't have to leave my full-time teaching job two years ago. I could have hung on longer. God I know you are with us; however, I am human and I would just like to know what is going on with us. When will I get a job teaching again. How long must we suffer; scrapping by check by check? I hate it that my wife is working so hard to be the main bread winner for our family, that's my job. God I should be working full-time. Please protect us from financial ruin until things get better. Help my children feel safe and secure. Take my wife's burdens away or give her extra boost of Your Spirit to help her through it. Keep our sanity intact. Don't let me or my wife get so depressed we do stupid things. Help us to feel your love and your protection. Now as I get up to sweep the floors, put a smile on my face and help to realize that things could be much worse.